Single at 20 with a 3 year old

Writing this blog has been the most difficult, yet rewarding thing I have done in a long time. I am letting my emotions show; I am vulnerable to strangers, to friends and to family. I just read a blog a lady wrote about putting your heart into your writing and letting your emotions show. She said "you should own your feelings. You should own every little shred of emotion you feel". But one thing that really stood out to me was when she wrote, "Write only, and only, if someone changes you. If you see the world differently because of them". Which led me to today. While this is all true and my point to writing this blog, I have to be careful not to hurt feelings, to not create distance. I truly care about the people in my life story, whether it be my son's father and his family (no matter what has happened in the past) to people that have come in and out of my life. You have all been there for a reason; some have stayed longer than others and have become great friends along my journey. "Growing up means letting go". I have, I have let go over the years of so many things and put them in the past, but I really feel the need to write about the things that have changed me. Things that have taken me from that 17 year old teen mother to where I am today. 

I was a single mom up until my son was three years old, single at 20 with a three year old child, yikes!!!! Why would any man want to take that on? But someone did! I write a lot in my blog about not feeling alone as a teen mother and to make sure other young mothers know they are not alone, but I haven't really mentioned someone really important in my life who took on the role as step-parent. Yesterday my son turned 20 years old; he has been an amazing child to raise. I can only remember one time he was grounded, in third grade - he signed my name to a letter he had to write to me explaining what he had done wrong, and as you can see he also had some spelling errors. It was all pretty funny!

 

The fact that this is the only thing I can remember him getting in trouble for clearly shows just how lucky I am. I listen to other parents talk about their teens and I cringe for them. My son has graduated high school, enlisted himself in the US Navy and has become the man I had always hoped he would become. Twenty years ago I never would have imagined I could have raised such an amazing young man. Besides my family, I do give a lot of credit to my husband who has been a major part of his life. As a step-parent, I think he felt pretty lucky to have fallen in love with such a well grounded little man. I knew the minute I met him that he was meant to be a part of our family.  He showed love and compassion towards my son that I never thought someone would - he was going to love him as much as he would love me.  Becoming a family can be a new transition for everyone, connections need to be formed and you need to make sure all are able to unite as a family. My husband embraced my son from the moment he met him. He knew in order to love me he had to love my son. I know you can't expect instant love, but for my son and my husband the bond happened pretty quick. My son always respected my husband and vice versa. We provided my son with a stable home filled with respect, consistency and love. My husband respected his boundaries as a step-parent and created a safe environment that nurtured honesty. He never criticized my ex to my child; we never discussed custody or child support in front of my son, knowing that children should not be subjected to those conversations and adult problems. My husband proved that biology isn't the most important part about being a good parent. The most important bonds are of those formed with love, not DNA.

This year on my son's birthday it was the first time we were not together; he is stationed four hours away. Although I could not make it down there to be with him, my husband made sure he went to see him so he was not alone. My husband has NEVER once made a statement about him not being his son. He raised him; he nurtured him, provided support for him emotionally and financially. Because he wanted to, not because he was made to. 

This man has changed my life and my son's 17 years ago and it has been pretty amazing. I surely wish I could go back in time and tell myself a couple things about how I handled my marriage when I was younger, but one thing is for sure, I am lucky to have married him. Although your child is and always will be your first love, you need to nurture your marriage just as much as you nurture your relationship with your children. I know I am a hard person to live with and I have my faults, god knows I do! He embarked on an adventure with us and I am sure he had no clue what he was taking on with a young mother. But this man has stood beside me at my worst. I've pushed him away, and he continued to hold my hand. When all I wanted was to be alone, he was by my side. He has made sure my son knows he loves him just as his own. We all must realize that in order to have happy children, you need to have a happy home. My husband and I were able to provide this together and I am ever so grateful for the journey we began 17 years ago raising an amazing child and the journey we are now on; learning how to live without any children at home.

Life's Lessons

I started my blog in hopes to tell my story as a teen mom; I want to show other young mothers they are not alone. On my journey I found this blog has turned into so much more than that, and I feel I have gotten away from the number one most important thing about teen pregnancies. Teen pregnancy is 100% avoidable. The best thing we as parents can do is to talk to our children about how to protect themselves. Whether it is waiting or using contraception every time they have sex. Don't be naive to think "not my child". I truly believe my mom and dad had no clue I was sexually active at 17 or they would have talked to me about my options. We should be talking to our children before their options are one of major life changing decisions. Being open with my son is not something that ever took a back seat in my household. I am sure there were times my son did not want to have the conversations about abstinence or protection, but they were had. While we all think we can trust our children, remember they are children and they are experiencing things they have no clue about and need us for direction. My husband and I tried our hardest to make sure our son felt comfortable talking about such issues and if he wasn't we always said "if you can't talk to us, please go to someone you feel you can". Once your teenager is old enough to start talking about this, treating them as an adult in these situations is key. I was talking with a friend today who has a teenage daughter, she was saying how open her daughter is with her and how we need not be judgmental in those conversations or our children will not be as apt to open up to us. I noticed when talking to my son about very private issues he would pull away, felt attacked, if I treated him like a child. When we talked to him in an adult manner he felt more apt to discuss these issues and open up to us more. There were definitely times I felt uncomfortable with what he wanted to talk about, but as a parent we are in it 100% percent.

 I am 100% grateful for being a teen mom and am so proud of my story, despite the stereotype of how a teen mother is. Categorizing us as under educated, immature and unmotivated. While I may have been immature, I was only 17; I have worked hard in my career, my education and my family. I have raised an excellent man with morals, values and integrity. My son will be 20 in a week and I am so proud of the man he is. Not only were we open about sex education in our house but we talked about alot, we didn't hold much back and we made sure our house was a place he wanted to be at and felt safe. He is in the US Navy now making adult decisions and I no longer have much control over those, I am just thankful he values our opinion enough to seek our advice. I guess we did something right :) While at times it is scary for me to listen to him and some of his reasoning, I have to remind myself he is 20, I am 37, and he is still learning and growing. I feel confident that I taught him many valuable life lessons. Take a moment and make sure you are teaching your children life's lessons you will be proud of when they are adults.

 

- Wherever you are in life, you can ALWAYS come home.

- Don't ever let a day go by without doing something for someone else; it will make them happy and you.
- Always say thank you, mind your manners and be courteous of others.
- Your actions early in life alter your ability to achieve what you want from your future.
- Laugh whenever possible, it is truly the best medicine.
- Everyone needs to have boundaries, make sure you know yours.
- Always be passionate about your job, work hard then you can play hard.
- Give back to your community, be a man of character and integrity.
- See the value in differences, and that everyone is different.
- Always try to make the right choices, even if they may not be the easiest ones.
- Always keep moving forward, there will be times in your life when you feel stuck. It’s up to YOU   to decide where you'll go.
- Have the courage to lead, not follow. 
- Dream bigger than you even think is possible.
- ALWAYS know I love you unconditionally, and that nothing you ever say or do can stop me from loving you!

 

Embracing the future

I was a teen mom, I had many struggles and had to overcome a lot of diversity. While my story is personal to me, it is not unique of many other teen moms. I am not afraid to tell my story in hopes that others see they're struggle is not one to take alone. What I love most about my story is what my parents taught me, no matter how terrified I may have been of the situation I was in, they had confidence in me that I would be a good mother and taught me that being a teenage mother doesn't define nor end my life. When my son was about 2 years old his father and I split up. I ended up having an emotional breakdown and was put in the hospital to get help. At the time I was ashamed to be there, years later I look back as it being the turning point of my life.  I believed I had to be with my child's father. My family was supposed to stay together, how could I let this be. I was becoming a statistic of so many other young mothers. I was ashamed, hurt, depressed and didn't think I could go on.  Once I received counseling and worked through my issues and grew up a bit, I realized it was going to be ok, we were going to be ok. I wish someone told me at 18 - "Forgive anyone and everyone you may have hard feelings for so you can be at peace with yourself and with the world." It took me years to understand that, I wish all parents going through a separation, no matter how old you are, understand just how valuable that is for themselves and for their children.

 

 It didn't matter what others thought about my life; being a teen mom, not being with my child's father, not going to college. I needed to start looking towards my future, what I could make of it for myself and for my son. As with many other teen moms, when you are not with your child's father you become the person responsible for keeping track of their everyday needs: medical, financial, and daily care. I needed to become an adult. I wasn't afraid or embarrassed to ask for help; such as daycare assistance or government health insurance. I started working full time when he was two years old and we still lived at home with my parents. I learned quickly that it was ok to rely on family members for support in more ways than one. I needed that short-term support in order to have a future.

 

I remember the day my son came home from school and told me about the "Banana Splits" program. It was for children of separated parents. He was excited to start this, the school made it sound really exciting and obviously felt he needed to be a part of it. Except, I was not as excited. My son was never short of being loved, with my family, his father's family, his step-parents family....he definitely had a lot of people around that adored him, cared for him, and supported him. Why did the school think he needed this program? What were they going to be telling him? What was he telling them, did I not know how my son was feeling? All these questions I had in the back of my mind, but he was excited to do this and I didn't say no. I never really thought of him being from a split household. Yes, he had the every other weekend visits with his father and knew there was a separation. But he grew up with my husband, his step-father, in his life from the age of 3 1/2 and his step-mother was in his life from around 2 years old. He had many loving people in his life.

 

The first time he came home from this program upset about me and his father not being together I was heart broken. Heart broken because I didn't know if I made the right decision by not really talking to him about his father and me; or the fact that this program was making my son - who I thought had adapted very well to a crazy but loving family - question the situation because of this program. I think that was another turning point for me.  I continued to let him be a part of this program but we talked about it a lot. I explained to him about his father and me and we talked about any issues a child his age might have with parents that are separated. He knew he was loved and had many people in his corner. The Banana Splits program allows children with common experiences to know and learn from one another, and to support each other if a challenging situation arises. How could I say no to a program where my son could help other children while benefiting from it at the same time?

 

#teenmom

Past and the present

Being a teen mom, many of your friends are going off to college, not taking care of a baby. I never once regretting being where I was, or not being able to have the college experience (partying). I was never that person that thought I deserved to go out and party as I got older because I didn't have that experience. I choose to have a baby at 17, I put myself in this situation and I always knew it was meant to be my journey. Being 37 now, I look back and think I wish I had handled situations a bit differently though. When you are 20 with a 3 year old your maturity level is definitely not that of a 37 year old dealing with adult decisions. I have regrets for some of those decisions I made along my journey, but I have NO regrets for choosing to have my son at 17.

While my friends were off at college, I was having late night feedings. I really didn't keep in touch with any of my friends from high school after I had him. Not to blame them or to blame me, we were on totally different paths. Thank god I had family, they really were my life line and still are. If you are a teen mom that has had to raise your child without the support of your family, kudos to you! I do wish I had close friends at that those trying times, when you think life just can't go on. I am sure having a girlfriends shoulder to cry on at times would have been nice. Not having a group of close friends definitely brought me closer to my two sisters then I could have ever imagined, whether they liked it or not!

I was 22 years old when my son started kindergarten, I should have been in school myself.... And I have no doubt every other mother/father at the school felt the same way about me. I never really clicked with any other mothers, once again not blaming them. I didn't know how to fit in, I had very little confidence in myself to make friends with them, to afraid of being judged. That goes back to my maturity level and having to handle adult responsibilities at a young age. I now have a great group of friends that I often wonder how I made it through some days without them and their support. I envy watching them with their kids and the way they get them all together and have outings, I often tag along :)  I wish they knew my son when he was younger, but at least they know him as the man he has become. I honestly think that is why my son connects much more with adults then people his own age. I always said he was an old soul in a young body.

#teenmom