My journey

Thank you everyone for your kind words, uplifting stories and encouragement through the beginning steps of my blog.  However, this will be my last one. Writing this blog has been a great source of pride for me and I appreciate everyone that came along for the ride. I’ve realized my target audience of other young mothers will not be reached by my blog.  I would love to venture into some public speaking on teen pregnancy so if anyone has any input on where I can begin for that step of my journey I would greatly appreciate that.

Writing about my life and putting myself out there has been hard and rewarding. Most people that know me, know that I am a teen mother but they didn’t know the journey I have been on for the last 20 years. I thought I was writing this blog to help other young mothers with there challenges, along the way I realized how much I was helping myself. By putting my thoughts on paper I have learned so much about myself, about how I’ve grown and where I was. I’ve learned that forgiveness is healing and we can only learn from our mistakes. I’ve  learned sometimes we take family and the ones we love for granted and by me writing this blog I hope each and every one of them know how deep my love runs. I hope my son remembers all the words I’ve ever spoke as he moves on to the next steps of his life with the US Navy.

There is no doubt that my greatest accomplishment is my son. I started out on a path I would have never known would lead me here. I am grateful for every person that has entered my life, whether you are still in it or have left. I would not have been able to be the mother I am without you in it!

My son's point of view

Today I decided to take a different approach, my son’s point of view. When I asked him his thoughts on being raised by a teen mom I heard some things I wasn’t expecting and thankful for all he said. I realized what I went through was not much different then someone in their 30’s or 40’s would have experienced while raising their children and being separated from their father, having to rely on family and being financially and emotionally strained at times.  When I asked him to tell me his story on how it felt being raised by a teen mom it didn’t surprise me. His first thing was about how close we are and how me being open with him helped him mature in his thinking when he was at the teenage years and going through what most boys go through. But really, that has nothing to do with me being 17 when I had him. All parents should be open with their children about sex education. And him and I being close is a real common thing I hear from mothers with boys. I am just especially lucky with how open he has been with me throughout the years.  When you are open with your children I feel they will be more open with you, it’s defiantly a trust thing. 

There are so many families these days with split parents, step parents, half siblings, step siblings…..So me being a young mother and not being with my sons father is not much different than a 30 year old in the same situation. Funny thing is, after talking to my son, I may have even handled a lot of things more maturely than some older mothers in the same situation. I asked him if I ever clouded his judgment of his father or situations we may have gone through, afraid I might have said or done something to leave an impression. And without hesitation he told me NEVER.  I am sure there may have been times my emotions got the best of me, but I was always very careful of not expressing my anger or frustrations about our situation to my son growing up. I see so many separated parents saying hurtful things about the other to their child. This behavior is so wrong, that is your child’s parent and remember the saying “do unto others as you would want done to you”.

He emphasized how having such a close family, i.e.: my parents and siblings, was always so nice. He realizes how important family is because of how close knit we are and that was how he was raised. He told me that seeing how strong I was and am has helped him in a lot of ways. To be proud of who you are, to not back down, never be afraid to ask for help. 

He did say something that kind of took me for a loop; he said being raised by a young parent he felt comfortable talking to me about a lot of things because he felt as if I had just gone through them. That made me laugh, but really, there is only 17 years between us. He does have a point and I’ve said it before, I felt as if I grew up while raising him.

Having this conversation with my son just made me realize even more how lucky I am. I was a teen mom, and I struggled through things. I always worried if he felt what I was going through, that I would do something wrong, that I couldn’t provide him with the things he needed.   I was so young and didn’t know any better. Yet when I look back, I realize I did know! I did know to ask for help when needed, I knew relying on family was beneficial. I knew that kids are very impressionable and my actions and words he would feed off of.  I am thankful today, knowing my son never knew the difference, he never felt as if he didn’t get the things he needed and he never felt unloved or alone.  Today I am thankful for all the things being a teen mother has taught me.

Single at 20 with a 3 year old

Writing this blog has been the most difficult, yet rewarding thing I have done in a long time. I am letting my emotions show; I am vulnerable to strangers, to friends and to family. I just read a blog a lady wrote about putting your heart into your writing and letting your emotions show. She said "you should own your feelings. You should own every little shred of emotion you feel". But one thing that really stood out to me was when she wrote, "Write only, and only, if someone changes you. If you see the world differently because of them". Which led me to today. While this is all true and my point to writing this blog, I have to be careful not to hurt feelings, to not create distance. I truly care about the people in my life story, whether it be my son's father and his family (no matter what has happened in the past) to people that have come in and out of my life. You have all been there for a reason; some have stayed longer than others and have become great friends along my journey. "Growing up means letting go". I have, I have let go over the years of so many things and put them in the past, but I really feel the need to write about the things that have changed me. Things that have taken me from that 17 year old teen mother to where I am today. 

I was a single mom up until my son was three years old, single at 20 with a three year old child, yikes!!!! Why would any man want to take that on? But someone did! I write a lot in my blog about not feeling alone as a teen mother and to make sure other young mothers know they are not alone, but I haven't really mentioned someone really important in my life who took on the role as step-parent. Yesterday my son turned 20 years old; he has been an amazing child to raise. I can only remember one time he was grounded, in third grade - he signed my name to a letter he had to write to me explaining what he had done wrong, and as you can see he also had some spelling errors. It was all pretty funny!

 

The fact that this is the only thing I can remember him getting in trouble for clearly shows just how lucky I am. I listen to other parents talk about their teens and I cringe for them. My son has graduated high school, enlisted himself in the US Navy and has become the man I had always hoped he would become. Twenty years ago I never would have imagined I could have raised such an amazing young man. Besides my family, I do give a lot of credit to my husband who has been a major part of his life. As a step-parent, I think he felt pretty lucky to have fallen in love with such a well grounded little man. I knew the minute I met him that he was meant to be a part of our family.  He showed love and compassion towards my son that I never thought someone would - he was going to love him as much as he would love me.  Becoming a family can be a new transition for everyone, connections need to be formed and you need to make sure all are able to unite as a family. My husband embraced my son from the moment he met him. He knew in order to love me he had to love my son. I know you can't expect instant love, but for my son and my husband the bond happened pretty quick. My son always respected my husband and vice versa. We provided my son with a stable home filled with respect, consistency and love. My husband respected his boundaries as a step-parent and created a safe environment that nurtured honesty. He never criticized my ex to my child; we never discussed custody or child support in front of my son, knowing that children should not be subjected to those conversations and adult problems. My husband proved that biology isn't the most important part about being a good parent. The most important bonds are of those formed with love, not DNA.

This year on my son's birthday it was the first time we were not together; he is stationed four hours away. Although I could not make it down there to be with him, my husband made sure he went to see him so he was not alone. My husband has NEVER once made a statement about him not being his son. He raised him; he nurtured him, provided support for him emotionally and financially. Because he wanted to, not because he was made to. 

This man has changed my life and my son's 17 years ago and it has been pretty amazing. I surely wish I could go back in time and tell myself a couple things about how I handled my marriage when I was younger, but one thing is for sure, I am lucky to have married him. Although your child is and always will be your first love, you need to nurture your marriage just as much as you nurture your relationship with your children. I know I am a hard person to live with and I have my faults, god knows I do! He embarked on an adventure with us and I am sure he had no clue what he was taking on with a young mother. But this man has stood beside me at my worst. I've pushed him away, and he continued to hold my hand. When all I wanted was to be alone, he was by my side. He has made sure my son knows he loves him just as his own. We all must realize that in order to have happy children, you need to have a happy home. My husband and I were able to provide this together and I am ever so grateful for the journey we began 17 years ago raising an amazing child and the journey we are now on; learning how to live without any children at home.

Life's Lessons

I started my blog in hopes to tell my story as a teen mom; I want to show other young mothers they are not alone. On my journey I found this blog has turned into so much more than that, and I feel I have gotten away from the number one most important thing about teen pregnancies. Teen pregnancy is 100% avoidable. The best thing we as parents can do is to talk to our children about how to protect themselves. Whether it is waiting or using contraception every time they have sex. Don't be naive to think "not my child". I truly believe my mom and dad had no clue I was sexually active at 17 or they would have talked to me about my options. We should be talking to our children before their options are one of major life changing decisions. Being open with my son is not something that ever took a back seat in my household. I am sure there were times my son did not want to have the conversations about abstinence or protection, but they were had. While we all think we can trust our children, remember they are children and they are experiencing things they have no clue about and need us for direction. My husband and I tried our hardest to make sure our son felt comfortable talking about such issues and if he wasn't we always said "if you can't talk to us, please go to someone you feel you can". Once your teenager is old enough to start talking about this, treating them as an adult in these situations is key. I was talking with a friend today who has a teenage daughter, she was saying how open her daughter is with her and how we need not be judgmental in those conversations or our children will not be as apt to open up to us. I noticed when talking to my son about very private issues he would pull away, felt attacked, if I treated him like a child. When we talked to him in an adult manner he felt more apt to discuss these issues and open up to us more. There were definitely times I felt uncomfortable with what he wanted to talk about, but as a parent we are in it 100% percent.

 I am 100% grateful for being a teen mom and am so proud of my story, despite the stereotype of how a teen mother is. Categorizing us as under educated, immature and unmotivated. While I may have been immature, I was only 17; I have worked hard in my career, my education and my family. I have raised an excellent man with morals, values and integrity. My son will be 20 in a week and I am so proud of the man he is. Not only were we open about sex education in our house but we talked about alot, we didn't hold much back and we made sure our house was a place he wanted to be at and felt safe. He is in the US Navy now making adult decisions and I no longer have much control over those, I am just thankful he values our opinion enough to seek our advice. I guess we did something right :) While at times it is scary for me to listen to him and some of his reasoning, I have to remind myself he is 20, I am 37, and he is still learning and growing. I feel confident that I taught him many valuable life lessons. Take a moment and make sure you are teaching your children life's lessons you will be proud of when they are adults.

 

- Wherever you are in life, you can ALWAYS come home.

- Don't ever let a day go by without doing something for someone else; it will make them happy and you.
- Always say thank you, mind your manners and be courteous of others.
- Your actions early in life alter your ability to achieve what you want from your future.
- Laugh whenever possible, it is truly the best medicine.
- Everyone needs to have boundaries, make sure you know yours.
- Always be passionate about your job, work hard then you can play hard.
- Give back to your community, be a man of character and integrity.
- See the value in differences, and that everyone is different.
- Always try to make the right choices, even if they may not be the easiest ones.
- Always keep moving forward, there will be times in your life when you feel stuck. It’s up to YOU   to decide where you'll go.
- Have the courage to lead, not follow. 
- Dream bigger than you even think is possible.
- ALWAYS know I love you unconditionally, and that nothing you ever say or do can stop me from loving you!

 

Embracing the future

I was a teen mom, I had many struggles and had to overcome a lot of diversity. While my story is personal to me, it is not unique of many other teen moms. I am not afraid to tell my story in hopes that others see they're struggle is not one to take alone. What I love most about my story is what my parents taught me, no matter how terrified I may have been of the situation I was in, they had confidence in me that I would be a good mother and taught me that being a teenage mother doesn't define nor end my life. When my son was about 2 years old his father and I split up. I ended up having an emotional breakdown and was put in the hospital to get help. At the time I was ashamed to be there, years later I look back as it being the turning point of my life.  I believed I had to be with my child's father. My family was supposed to stay together, how could I let this be. I was becoming a statistic of so many other young mothers. I was ashamed, hurt, depressed and didn't think I could go on.  Once I received counseling and worked through my issues and grew up a bit, I realized it was going to be ok, we were going to be ok. I wish someone told me at 18 - "Forgive anyone and everyone you may have hard feelings for so you can be at peace with yourself and with the world." It took me years to understand that, I wish all parents going through a separation, no matter how old you are, understand just how valuable that is for themselves and for their children.

 

 It didn't matter what others thought about my life; being a teen mom, not being with my child's father, not going to college. I needed to start looking towards my future, what I could make of it for myself and for my son. As with many other teen moms, when you are not with your child's father you become the person responsible for keeping track of their everyday needs: medical, financial, and daily care. I needed to become an adult. I wasn't afraid or embarrassed to ask for help; such as daycare assistance or government health insurance. I started working full time when he was two years old and we still lived at home with my parents. I learned quickly that it was ok to rely on family members for support in more ways than one. I needed that short-term support in order to have a future.

 

I remember the day my son came home from school and told me about the "Banana Splits" program. It was for children of separated parents. He was excited to start this, the school made it sound really exciting and obviously felt he needed to be a part of it. Except, I was not as excited. My son was never short of being loved, with my family, his father's family, his step-parents family....he definitely had a lot of people around that adored him, cared for him, and supported him. Why did the school think he needed this program? What were they going to be telling him? What was he telling them, did I not know how my son was feeling? All these questions I had in the back of my mind, but he was excited to do this and I didn't say no. I never really thought of him being from a split household. Yes, he had the every other weekend visits with his father and knew there was a separation. But he grew up with my husband, his step-father, in his life from the age of 3 1/2 and his step-mother was in his life from around 2 years old. He had many loving people in his life.

 

The first time he came home from this program upset about me and his father not being together I was heart broken. Heart broken because I didn't know if I made the right decision by not really talking to him about his father and me; or the fact that this program was making my son - who I thought had adapted very well to a crazy but loving family - question the situation because of this program. I think that was another turning point for me.  I continued to let him be a part of this program but we talked about it a lot. I explained to him about his father and me and we talked about any issues a child his age might have with parents that are separated. He knew he was loved and had many people in his corner. The Banana Splits program allows children with common experiences to know and learn from one another, and to support each other if a challenging situation arises. How could I say no to a program where my son could help other children while benefiting from it at the same time?

 

#teenmom

Past and the present

Being a teen mom, many of your friends are going off to college, not taking care of a baby. I never once regretting being where I was, or not being able to have the college experience (partying). I was never that person that thought I deserved to go out and party as I got older because I didn't have that experience. I choose to have a baby at 17, I put myself in this situation and I always knew it was meant to be my journey. Being 37 now, I look back and think I wish I had handled situations a bit differently though. When you are 20 with a 3 year old your maturity level is definitely not that of a 37 year old dealing with adult decisions. I have regrets for some of those decisions I made along my journey, but I have NO regrets for choosing to have my son at 17.

While my friends were off at college, I was having late night feedings. I really didn't keep in touch with any of my friends from high school after I had him. Not to blame them or to blame me, we were on totally different paths. Thank god I had family, they really were my life line and still are. If you are a teen mom that has had to raise your child without the support of your family, kudos to you! I do wish I had close friends at that those trying times, when you think life just can't go on. I am sure having a girlfriends shoulder to cry on at times would have been nice. Not having a group of close friends definitely brought me closer to my two sisters then I could have ever imagined, whether they liked it or not!

I was 22 years old when my son started kindergarten, I should have been in school myself.... And I have no doubt every other mother/father at the school felt the same way about me. I never really clicked with any other mothers, once again not blaming them. I didn't know how to fit in, I had very little confidence in myself to make friends with them, to afraid of being judged. That goes back to my maturity level and having to handle adult responsibilities at a young age. I now have a great group of friends that I often wonder how I made it through some days without them and their support. I envy watching them with their kids and the way they get them all together and have outings, I often tag along :)  I wish they knew my son when he was younger, but at least they know him as the man he has become. I honestly think that is why my son connects much more with adults then people his own age. I always said he was an old soul in a young body.

#teenmom

I was 17, and I was pregnant.

I've been a bit nervous about writing this, will people judge me, what will my son think about things I haven't said to him. But when I received a call today from my son saying he loved the idea about my blog and told me to make sure I wrote about how we are so close, I felt justified in putting my story out there. I asked him to please not hold anything against me from  my writings and he assured me he knew it could not have been easy. When so many of my friends said they couldn't wait to hear my story, I felt reassured.

I was 17, and I was pregnant. I was only dating my boyfriend for 3 months but of course I thought he was amazing and the man of my dreams. He was 2 years older than me and everyone in school thought he was so cool. Anyone who has been in love at a young age knows how naive we are.
I was able to finish my senior year of high school before having my son but I never made it to college afterward. Well, I attempted to when he was around 1 or 2 years old, but at 18 I was not strong enough to handle a child, college full time and working nights at a restaurant. I kick myself in the butt frequently about that, I had a full ride to college, I still lived at home with my parents and yet I still was not able to handle it.  Oh well, fast forward 16 years and I started college again. It may take me along time to finish but I am here, I am doing it! I used to get mad that my child's father was able to move away, pursue his dreams and finish college. But when I look back, I wouldn't change a thing for what I got in return. Life really turned out good for me, which makes me question sometimes if I should really tell my story. I never want to promote teenagers having sex or wanting to be a teen parent. Life was not easy, I endured much heartache and had to become a different person over night at a young age.  I wanted to be someone my son would be proud of, and I believe I accomplished that.

If you are not a teen mom you have no idea how it feels to have to grow up while raising your child. I literally grew up with him, which I am sure caused me to make a lot of mistakes but it also gave me my best friend. I know many parents are saying "you can't be friends with your child you need to be there parent" I honestly felt I was both. I am much more fortunate then a lot of other teen moms. I had a great support system right from the beginning. Don't get me wrong, my parents were pissed!!!!  I hid my pregnancy from my family and friends for 4 1/2 months, I have no clue how I did that...but I did. I always said if I could raise my son and he does not become a teen dad I have done my job. Which is odd, because as much as I thought that, I never once blamed my parents for my irresponsibility's. My parents are great, I grew up in a wonderful household, we were open about a lot of things, but I don't recall talking to them about sex and protection. I am sure I started talking to my son way before I should have about sex and the consequences but I never wanted to hide anything from him and I never wanted him to be ashamed of me. You as a parent must be that person talking to them about abstinence, birth control, sex and the consequences of unprotected sex.